Things have changed. The old blog seemed to be more of a place to whine, complain, bitch, moan, and cry out, "WHY?" That may still happen here, but what I want to document here are the things that God is DOING not what He's withholding or keeping from me/us.
I think the changes started during my time away with my girlfriends during our annual girlfriends getaway up north. We had a powerful time of prayer. During that time I really cried out to God. I can't explain it but afterwards I felt a release. I finally felt free from the burden of grief I'd been carrying around. That is NOT to say I still don't have a deep desire for children. I still do. However, I am not carrying the grief of not bearing children with me any longer.
Another change that has recently occurred is that Bob and I have found a new church. It's called The Sanctuary and it is a church that is very different from the churches in which we grew up. It is just a little over 5 years old and it meets in a North Minneapolis middle school. Its purpose is to change the face of the church by reconciling the people of the city to God and one another. Its vision is a reconciling movement. Because of its size, there are small study groups, meal groups, and what they call affinity groups. There are also TONS of opportunities for service and outreach. Bob and I have kind of jumped in with both feet and have felt welcomed, loved, and at home there. One of our favorite features of the church is its Hip Hop Sundays where the music, art, dance, and rap of the Hip Hop scene are used to to praise God and worship. It's different but it's amazing.
Today in church our pastor preached on change and how true change requires a close relationship with God, an understanding of the church, and an understand of Biblical history and the anticipation of Jesus's return. As Pastor Smith was preaching I realized that while I no longer carry the grief of not having children, I still carry the desire to have children. So I prayed that God would use that desire in whatever way He saw fit. Maybe it's in conjunction with my heart for single moms or Bob's heart for fatherless boys. Maybe it's to be available to friends who just need a break. Who knows? The change that has occured in me has allowed me to finally seek God and ask Him what He would have me do instead of thrusting my anger at Him and yelling at Him for what I don't have. And would you believe I feel so free? And excited? There is palpable anticipation in my heart about what God can do with me now that I am open to whatever it is He has in store/mind.
The other changes that have occured have to do with how I spend my time. Of course I am no longer working full time. I am working part time work study at school and taking classes. This next semester I will have class all day (over 12 hours) on Tuesday and will work workstudy Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday nights. This leaves my days free as well as full weekends free. Of course I will have homework and will have to spend some extra time at school with one of the classes I am taking which is called "photographers assistant". The rest of my time is spent taking care of my husband Bob. Not that he requires non-stop care or assistance with every aspect of daily living but he does need help making meals, getting dressed and undressed, picking up, and for safety. Thankfully we have other help with some of the things. Meals on Wheels comes every Tuesday and Thursday and Bob has a Lifeline necklace that he wears when I'm not home in case he falls or something else occurs in which he needs emergency help. Those things take a huge burden off of me. Still, I was surpised at how much help Bob needs. I should have quit my job a couple of years ago but am just so thankful that nothing horrible happened to him while I was at work before.
I am not sure how I feel about being Bob's caregiver. I do know that all too frequently we fall into a kind of parent/child dynamic that neither one of us likes. And there are times when I feel like Bob is taking me for granted and is just throwing his towels on the floor on purpose or doesn't make any effort to do something for himself. But mostly I just want him to be comfortable, happy, and free to do what he can with the strength he still has left. I did reach out to another wife/caregiver I know whose husband has ALS. I asked her if she knew of a local caregiver support group and she said she's been looking for one as well. She suggested we get together for coffee and just start one ourselves. I agreed to that and am waiting to hear back from her as to what works best. She also suggested the St. Paul Center for Grief. I will be looking into that as well.
So there are changes afoot. On the outset they may not seem so good (not having a full time job, Bob's MD, not havingds we wanted) but God is really keeping His promise about working them all out for our good. That's why I wanted to start a new blog. So here's to new beginnings, new hope, and the new blog.
I think the changes started during my time away with my girlfriends during our annual girlfriends getaway up north. We had a powerful time of prayer. During that time I really cried out to God. I can't explain it but afterwards I felt a release. I finally felt free from the burden of grief I'd been carrying around. That is NOT to say I still don't have a deep desire for children. I still do. However, I am not carrying the grief of not bearing children with me any longer.
Another change that has recently occurred is that Bob and I have found a new church. It's called The Sanctuary and it is a church that is very different from the churches in which we grew up. It is just a little over 5 years old and it meets in a North Minneapolis middle school. Its purpose is to change the face of the church by reconciling the people of the city to God and one another. Its vision is a reconciling movement. Because of its size, there are small study groups, meal groups, and what they call affinity groups. There are also TONS of opportunities for service and outreach. Bob and I have kind of jumped in with both feet and have felt welcomed, loved, and at home there. One of our favorite features of the church is its Hip Hop Sundays where the music, art, dance, and rap of the Hip Hop scene are used to to praise God and worship. It's different but it's amazing.
Today in church our pastor preached on change and how true change requires a close relationship with God, an understanding of the church, and an understand of Biblical history and the anticipation of Jesus's return. As Pastor Smith was preaching I realized that while I no longer carry the grief of not having children, I still carry the desire to have children. So I prayed that God would use that desire in whatever way He saw fit. Maybe it's in conjunction with my heart for single moms or Bob's heart for fatherless boys. Maybe it's to be available to friends who just need a break. Who knows? The change that has occured in me has allowed me to finally seek God and ask Him what He would have me do instead of thrusting my anger at Him and yelling at Him for what I don't have. And would you believe I feel so free? And excited? There is palpable anticipation in my heart about what God can do with me now that I am open to whatever it is He has in store/mind.
The other changes that have occured have to do with how I spend my time. Of course I am no longer working full time. I am working part time work study at school and taking classes. This next semester I will have class all day (over 12 hours) on Tuesday and will work workstudy Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday nights. This leaves my days free as well as full weekends free. Of course I will have homework and will have to spend some extra time at school with one of the classes I am taking which is called "photographers assistant". The rest of my time is spent taking care of my husband Bob. Not that he requires non-stop care or assistance with every aspect of daily living but he does need help making meals, getting dressed and undressed, picking up, and for safety. Thankfully we have other help with some of the things. Meals on Wheels comes every Tuesday and Thursday and Bob has a Lifeline necklace that he wears when I'm not home in case he falls or something else occurs in which he needs emergency help. Those things take a huge burden off of me. Still, I was surpised at how much help Bob needs. I should have quit my job a couple of years ago but am just so thankful that nothing horrible happened to him while I was at work before.
I am not sure how I feel about being Bob's caregiver. I do know that all too frequently we fall into a kind of parent/child dynamic that neither one of us likes. And there are times when I feel like Bob is taking me for granted and is just throwing his towels on the floor on purpose or doesn't make any effort to do something for himself. But mostly I just want him to be comfortable, happy, and free to do what he can with the strength he still has left. I did reach out to another wife/caregiver I know whose husband has ALS. I asked her if she knew of a local caregiver support group and she said she's been looking for one as well. She suggested we get together for coffee and just start one ourselves. I agreed to that and am waiting to hear back from her as to what works best. She also suggested the St. Paul Center for Grief. I will be looking into that as well.
So there are changes afoot. On the outset they may not seem so good (not having a full time job, Bob's MD, not havingds we wanted) but God is really keeping His promise about working them all out for our good. That's why I wanted to start a new blog. So here's to new beginnings, new hope, and the new blog.
Looks like you have "found grace!"
ReplyDeleteAmy...I can not tell you how blessed I am to read this post. I understand where you are completely. I've been walking in that grace for just over 2 years and somedays I truly stand in awe of how God turned it around once I was willing to give it all to Him. Like you I still have that same desire to have children, but it does not control my life any longer. I am so happy for you!
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking a lot lately how I need to be thankful for what I have, and not complain. Like the Bible says "...in everything, give thanks."
ReplyDeleteI'll be praying for you! I know it's sometimes hard being a caregiver. I was home most of 1999 with my grandma who needed a lot of help, so I kind of understand.
Be blessed!!!
Christy Nixon